Joseph: I Need You Now More Than Ever

John Edwards.

Governor Mark Sanford.

Tiger Woods.

Jesse James.


These men have not only screwed their wives over…but they have screwed me.

And before you rush to contact the local news or national tabloid rags…no, I’m not another “other woman” who’s coming forward to add herself to these men’s proverbial adulterous notches…I’m just a woman who has been greatly affected by these men’s dalliances.

As each another woman comes forward, as each salacious sext, picture, voicemail, interview and rumor is revealed in the press daily, a piece of me dies. That piece that’s desperately trying to hold onto the hope and faith of a truly faithful man.

I really don’t know how Elizabeth, Jenny, Elin and Sandra do it. How do/did they survive each blow of revelation they heard? Because every time I hear something on the news, I feel like those stories are about me, my life and about my relationship.

I really don’t know how I got this way…so distrustful of men.

As far as I know, I’ve never been cheated on. Nothing in my past or current relationship would lead me to believe that my partners have been unfaithful. Nothing.

So what’s the cause of this deep-rooted fear and paranoia that I just can’t seem to cut out of my life?

I thought long and hard about this and I think it’s my history.

My history of hearing story after story about my girlfriends finding out their long-time husbands/partners had been cheating on them, living complete double lives…a piece of me dies.

My history of personally witnessing my male friends, who are all in committed relationships, flirting and carrying on with other women, giving them their phone numbers, asking to meet up for drinks, etc.,…a piece of me dies.

My history of personally having married men, men with girlfriends, openly flirting with me and engaging in what would certainly be deemed inappropriate behavior if their girlfriends/wives knew about it…a piece of me dies.

My history of girlfriends telling me their stories of cheating on their mates, randomly hooking up with men at bars and flirting with other men who are in relationships…a piece of me dies.

My history of hearing about celebrity couples who have been ravaged by adultery…a piece of me dies.

Every.Single.Time. A male friend stares at another woman’s ass/boobs, makes an inappropriate comment/gesture about someone other than their significant other…a piece of me dies, because all I immediately think is whether or not my man would do the same exact thing?

This has been a long-standing issue with me that I have been constantly and continually asking God to help me with. I’ve been praying that my jealousy and paranoia will not continue to affect my relationships…and my sanity.

In my last relationship, it nearly drove me crazy. This time around, I still have the same feelings, but definitely to a lesser degree. But I can start to feel the tentacles of paranoia squeezing around me…and I don’t like it.

I’ve always wondered about forgiveness and cheating. As a Christian, I believe in what Jesus said to Peter:

21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

Matthew 18:21-22 (New International Version)

But is a Christian woman – who has been cheated on several times…like Elin & Sandra were – supposed to forgive her partner every single time? And does forgiveness also mean that she has to stay with her cheating partner and try and salvage the relationship?

These are issues/questions that I’m struggling with. I’m constantly praying for God to give me peace about this whole mess.

It was one of the issues I grappled with during my Free* process. I want to be completely delivered from the bondage of paranoia, jealousy and mistrust.

At this point in my life, I want/need to keep on believing in Joseph…so that I can believe and have faith in my Adam.

Here’s a post I did a while back that I often refer to during times like this so that I can keep myself alive and open to trust, faith…and love:

Another post from the ole Myspace account, originally posted on June 17, 2007.

1 Now Joseph had been taken down to Egypt. Potiphar, an Egyptian who was one of Pharaoh’s officials, the captain of the guard, bought him from the Ishmaelites who had taken him there. 2 The LORD was with Joseph and he prospered, and he lived in the house of his Egyptian master.3 When his master saw that the LORD was with him and that the LORD gave him success in everything he did,

4 Joseph found favor in his eyes and became his attendant. Potiphar put him in charge of his household, and he entrusted to his care everything he owned.

5 From the time he put him in charge of his household and of all that he owned, the LORD blessed the household of the Egyptian because of Joseph. The blessing of the LORD was on everything Potiphar had, both in the house and in the field.

6 So he left in Joseph’s care everything he had; with Joseph in charge, he did not concern himself with anything except the food he ate. Now Joseph was well-built and handsome,

7 and after a while his master’s wife took notice of Joseph and said, “Come to bed with me!”

8 But he refused. “With me in charge,” he told her, “my master does not concern himself with anything in the house; everything he owns he has entrusted to my care.

9 No one is greater in this house than I am. My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?”

10 And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her.

11 One day he went into the house to attend to his duties, and none of the household servants was inside.

12 She caught him by his cloak and said, “Come to bed with me!” But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house.

13 When she saw that he had left his cloak in her hand and had run out of the house,

14 she called her household servants. “Look,” she said to them, “this Hebrew has been brought to us to make sport of us! He came in here to sleep with me, but I screamed.

15 When he heard me scream for help, he left his cloak beside me and ran out of the house.”

16 She kept his cloak beside her until his master came home.

17 Then she told him this story: “That Hebrew slave you brought us came to me to make sport of me.

18 But as soon as I screamed for help, he left his cloak beside me and ran out of the house.”

19 When his master heard the story his wife told him, saying, “This is how your slave treated me,” he burned with anger.

20 Joseph’s master took him and put him in prison, the place where the king’s prisoners were confined.
But while Joseph was there in the prison,

21 the LORD was with him; he showed him kindness and granted him favor in the eyes of the prison warden.

22 So the warden put Joseph in charge of all those held in the prison, and he was made responsible for all that was done there.

23 The warden paid no attention to anything under Joseph’s care, because the LORD was with Joseph and gave him success in whatever he did.

Genesis 39 (New International Version)

*****

I’m looking for my Joseph.

A man who has character.

A man who is willing to, literally, run away from temptation.

A man who does the Godly thing, when no one is looking and when it’s the most difficult thing to do.

A man who is willing, if it came to it, to go to prison for maintaining his character and integrity.

If you don’t fit that description, don’t even bother…

…because I am a woman of character…

I am “Josephine.”

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~ by Maureen on April 2, 2010.

One Response to “Joseph: I Need You Now More Than Ever”

  1. Maureen – I struggle with the same things after having been cheated on in several relationships. This was an excellent post to read, very well articulated. Keep me/us posted on your “journey,” and any tips you have along the way. 🙂

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